Some Promises Just Can't Be Kept
by FrenchThing
Summary: People aren't supposed to live for centuries. Promises can be impossible to keep. Merlin realised that the hard way. Or the one where Arthur's return isn't as joyful as you'd expect.


**I can't believe I'm finally putting this out, it's been in progress for months. This is the longest thing I've ever written and my first fic thought and written directly in English, so if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes LET ME KNOW PLEASE THANK YOU. It didn't turn out exactly the way I planned, but oh well. Huge thanks to feluriana (on Ao3) who was really supportive and helped me get things right, and also to my friends equit28 and Lucie who helped me a lot, I don't deserve any of them.**  
 **Hope you like this, and please tell me what you think !**

* * *

Merlin remembers it all.

He remembers the hair shining in the sunlight, the blue eyes sparkling with the desire to do the right thing and the bright smile that always seemed to be here when he needed it the most.

He remembers how, somewhere along the line, falling in love had seemed like it was always meant to happen, even if it wasn't what Destiny had in mind.

He remembers the stolen glances, the secret smiles and the unspoken words that always had to stay this way because of some stupid unwritten rule.

He remembers the selfish jealousy invading his heart every time he saw the two familiar silhouettes intertwined in an affectionate embrace.

He remembers the pain and the heartache, the feeling that nothing was __right__ and that nothing would ever be.

He remembers the battlefield, a clatter of steel and screams, the floor a deep red covered in nameless men slain for what they thought was the right thing.

He remembers the weight of Arthur's body pressed against his own, the gloved hands covering his own and cradling his head and the blood that seemed to never stop flowing.

He remembers watching the flames through blurry eyes, whispered words and heavy looks that might have had a deeper meaning still vivid in his mind.

He remembers whispering a teary promise to his fallen King, the boy who'd shone too brightly and ended up burning out.

He remembers swearing on everything he had that he would remain the same and wait for Arthur for as long as needed, still naively thinking that he could get through it unscathed.

He remembers not wanting to go back to Camelot, but doing it anyway because it was all he had left and because being alone would allow him to think and that was just too much.

He remembers thinking that he had finally made a rational decision before realising that he'd just done whatever would bring him closer to Arthur, and that his brain had never been as fond of him as his heart.

He remembers how Guinevere had brought Camelot into its Golden Age without its Golden King and how it just wasn't fair.

He remembers saying he was fine because it was so much easier than saying that he had no idea what he was feeling anymore.

He remembers being lost in his own head, because he'd spent so long in the shadow of his King that he didn't known what to do once in the spotlight.

He remembers watching as his friends died one by one and as the walls of the castle fell apart with him.

He remembers watching the days fade into months, the months into years and the years into centuries, his reflection in the mirror showing him a broken man he didn't know.

He remembers wasting his life away waiting but not really minding, because the very reason he was alive was long lost anyway.

He remembers how his memories were what kept him alive while slowly killing him, each image of the past feeling like a stab in the ribs.

He remembers wandering without any purpose from city to city, not knowing what to do, nothing but a shadow of himself, always the nameless man with the story no one wanted to hear and the future no one wanted to share.

He remembers always changing his appearance because he wasn't sure if he should be himself or if he shouldn't change.

He remembers repeating the same words over and over in his head, the almost goodbye chanting a litany in his mind, only remains of a better time and reminder of what had been left unsaid.

He remembers not knowing whether his memories were real or hazy fantasies anymore, and wondering if he'd imagined how fast Arthur's heart was beating when they were touching.

He remembers not knowing if he'd imagined Arthur.

And, most of all, he remembers watching in awe as a silhouette that had haunted his nights slowly stepped out of the fog on a gloomy morning.

* * *

He hadn't been ready. There hadn't been any warning, any weird tingle of his magic or even any feeling that something was about to happen. Arthur just came back. After centuries living off memories, the reality was way too much. He didn't even believe it at first. Everything felt surreal, like an over dreamed illusion that suddenly came to life. Then it was a hesitant, careful hope, soon becoming an overflowing relief. It was a warm embrace and a scent long lost taking the place of its ghost, a long overdue «hello». And finally came the dawning realisation that this meant Albion was in danger, that the old times were back and that he had no idea what would happen.

The following couple of weeks were made of restless nights, twitching fingers and cautious looks attempting to see where the threat hid. Merlin was trying to get Arthur to understand the world he was now a part of while acting like nothing had changed when truly everything had, but maybe it hadn't if Arthur didn't love Merlin back.

One morning, before dawn, Merlin quietly got out of the apartment and headed towards Avalon. He'd spent so much time there, trying to forget everything, that the place instantly numbed his mind, granting him a desperately needed lethargy. He sat there in the grass, looking up at the sky where the last stars disappeared. As the sun poked from the horizon, he felt someone sit beside him. He didn't need to look to know it was Arthur.

\- How did you find me ?

\- I don't know. I figured that's where you might have gone.

\- Why are you here ? asked Merlin, his voice bordering on acid.

\- I just... Since I came back, you don't- __we__ don't talk. I know it'll never be like the old times, but I thought... I don't know. It's not what I hoped it would be.

Merlin huffed.

\- Oh, because you're the one with high expectations. Of course you are.

\- What do you mean ?

\- What do I- Arthur, do you have any fucking idea what you're talking about ? No, of course you don't. You have no clue what happened.

\- Well tell me, Merlin ! said Arthur snappily as he got up, his arms flailing around him. For two weeks you just ignored me, like I didn't even exist, like we weren't in- maybe I was wrong, but I thought- god, you haven't changed at all, have you, you're still just as frustrating !

Somehow, that was the last straw for Merlin, who choked on air for a few seconds before anger and desperation washed over him as he stoop up clumsily, the bitter words spilling out.

«Except I __have__ changed, Arthur ! Of course I have, I spent a thousand fucking years waiting for you ! But you can't know what that's like, right ? So let me tell you. I had to watch you die, __in my arms__ , and then survive on just the promise that you'd come back. I had no fucking idea if you would. Every day, it was nothing but me repeating «come on, one more day, one more hour, one more minute and he'll be back». Except that never happened. I was __this close__ to giving up. I had to stand there, watching the only world I'd ever known falling apart, __alone__ , as everyone that had ever mattered to me died. And you, you, even dead, you plagued every fucking moment I spent awake -or asleep, for that matter- with your stupid face and your stupid words like «don't change» and «thank you» but never what I thought- what I hoped you- and how can you even expect that from me, you disappear for so long and just come back one day and then expect me to be the same when I can't-»

And with that, his words caught in his throat and he broke into tears as strong arms wrapped around him. Before he knew it, he was sobbing in the crook of Arthur's neck, his hands clutching the sweater he'd given to him. Every intake of breath felt like someone was setting fire to his lungs, his throat aching with what was left to say as the rising sun lit the sky in an angry red, the dark streaks of the clouds seeming to bleed into the crimson pool that had become lake.

\- Merlin, I'm- I'm so, so sorry. I've never wanted this for you. I never- when I said that, I didn't mean...

\- I changed so much, Arthur, you don't understand, I'm not... I'm not the Merlin you know, I've never been. People aren't supposed to live for centuries, and I'm no exception. I tried to be who you wanted me to be but I couldn't, because I didn't know who that was, and I failed, Arthur, I failed and Albion is in danger again and I don't know how to save it and I failed-

\- Merlin, Merlin, Merlin, whispered Arthur against his friend's hair in an attempt to soothe him, it's okay, you didn't fail. I'm here, it's okay, you're alright. And... Merlin, there's nothing left of Albion anymore. There's just you. Did you ever think that maybe... maybe Albion is you ? You said it yourself, you were close to giving up. Maybe you were the one in need of help.

\- So what, said Merlin with a cynical laugh, you were the one who had to save me for once ? And why- why would this happen ? It doesn't make any sense, why would you have to die if it's to come back when I needed you ? God, Arthur, I've always needed you ! There wasn't one day where I didn't miss you, why would they, whoever they are, make me go through this ? I don't- __oh__.

\- What ? asked Arthur, watching his friend with his eyes wide open.

\- It's because I didn't... I didn't help you fulfil your destiny. Or I did, but it wasn't enough. So that's my punishment. Waiting for you until my breaking point. God, this is so- of course that would be it, making me despair after you for centuries.

\- Wait, that's- but why me ? Why not Gaius, your mother, or Gwen, or even, I don't know, Gwaine ?

\- Are you seriously asking that ? You- god, Arthur, you never realised, did you ?

\- You- what are you talking about ?

\- Arthur, I... I can't believe I'm doing this now, this is ridiculous. Why would I even wait for centuries for someone if it wasn't you ? All the things I've done, it's because I- because I love you, Arthur. When you died, it felt so... It was like a part of me had died with you. And I thought that you- after what you said, I thought maybe you would feel the same way. But you- you had Guinevere, and it just... seemed to good, said Merlin with a shaky voice, as his last secret was out.

Arthur looked at him, eyes wide, before a smile appeared on his face. He let out a little laugh, shaking his head before looking at Merlin, grasping his shoulders in his hands.

\- Merlin, I... It was always, __always__ you. With you, it wasn't falling in love, it was more like... realising what had always been there. I thought you knew. I wasn't brave enough to tell you, or do anything, but you've always been- you've always been more than what I could have hoped for. I didn't know how to act on it, or if I even could, so I never did. Guinevere and I, we... we both wanted what we couldn't have, and we had affection for each other, so we just... settled for second best. And after the battle, I... I wanted to say it. But I couldn't. You... I didn't want to leave you with only three words. I didn't want to leave you alone with nothing but the "what could have been". It wouldn't have been fair.

\- You... This is why you never said anything ? asked Merlin.

\- I guess. That and the fact that I was terrified that you wouldn't feel the same way, said Arthur with a shy smile, looking into Merlin's eyes and taking a step forward.

Suddenly their bodies were close, too close, their breaths ghosting across each others faces as they hesitated to take another step, as if they revelled in the feeling that anything could happen and that nothing was certain. A second floated, unsure and surreal, and then they were kissing, and it felt brilliant and insane and Merlin wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not but it was like he'd just taken his first gasp of air after centuries of constant drowning. Suddenly he felt alive, more alive than he'd ever been, the weight of the years lifting of his shoulders as Arthur's arms pulled him impossibly closer, their bodies radiating a warmth he'd forgotten about. Their kiss broke soon, and they just stayed there, their foreheads touching, eyes closed and chests heaving. Merlin's heart pulled painfully as he remembered another situation way too similar and thought that beginnings and endings were more similar than we dared to think. But this time, when he looked at Arthur, he saw bright blue eyes looking right back at him, as alive as ever. And as the blond man opened his mouth, the whispered words weren't soaked in pain but filled with promises :

\- You know, Merlin, I might not have a kingdom anymore, but I still have you. I'm still your King. I'm still yours.

Merlin hadn't smiled that warmly in what seemed like forever.

* * *

So yes, Merlin has waited. He waited, and waited, and waited some more, his memories smothering him slowly as time went on, hanging on a promise he didn't know he could trust that had made him so, __so close__ to lose his mind. He was so far from __fine__ , and he probably won't ever be.

But now, as he looks over to the man sleeping next to him, his hair shining in the dim morning light and his chest rising slowly with every intake of breath, he thinks that if this is what he got for waiting, then maybe, just __maybe__ , every second had been worth it.


End file.
